Want to get your child to listen and follow directions?
Alan Kazdin, a professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale University and the Director of the Yale Parenting Center, shares evidence-backed ways to do just that at home and school. He also addresses whether the tactics change if your child is four years old or a teenager.
Want to hear more from Dr. Kazdin?
Enroll for free in his course Everyday Parenting: The ABCs of Child Rearing.
Or if you’re a member of the press, set up an interview with Alan Kazdin or learn more about the topics he can speak to.
Transcript
What can we do with a child who does not listen and does not do what we ask?
Most children comply about 80 percent of the time, so saying no to a parent happens once in a while. Yet, what do we do with a child who rarely listens and rarely does what we ask? This is a question we all face as parents. There’s a lot we can do.
[00:00:23] A good place to begin is recognizing that the things that we usually do are rarely effective.
Here are the common things that do not work.
- To begin, we reason and explain to the child why he or she ought to comply and listen. And these did not work very well.
- We nag or give a lot of reminders, and these don’t work very well, either.
- And finally, we punish for not complying, or we make threats. And of course, these do not work.
You might be able to force your child to do something once or twice, but these familiar procedures do not develop the habit of complying with what you say. You will be frustrated. Your child will be frustrated, and you will say things like, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.”
How to get a child to listen and follow directions
[00:01:08] So, the first key point is that just telling, reminding, nagging, or punishing will not develop compliance.
Well, what can we do? Well, there are two main strategies, and these can work together.
First, the most important thing you can do is to praise compliance whenever you see it. By that, I mean, when your child does do something you ask, do not let it go. Praise it and say, “You did such a great thing there. You listened right away.”
This will develop compliance that carries over to many other situations. We want to build the habit of complying. Probably your child is a good listener once in a while. Catch and praise these times. That will make a huge difference.
But if your child never complies, ask simple and easy things, like walking over to you for a hug, or helping you set the dinner table, or keeping you company when you’re doing something–anything easy.
Any compliance you see, praise it. We are building the habit, and the more you praise compliance, the sooner noncompliance will go away.
Do not worry when you praise compliance. You are not making the child dependent on praise. No, no. Just the opposite. We are building the habit, and you can stop the praise after a while.
[00:02:27] Second, how you ask the child to do something can make a big difference. If your voice is harsh or your request sounds like a command or you point your finger, this can actually increase noncompliance. Saying things with a frown, and “Do it because I said so or because I’m your mother or father!” These are likely to increase not doing what you ask.
Talk softly. Make a matter-of-fact request. More conversational. And that will get compliance much more than a harsh voice. The tone of your voice can make a difference.
The main message here is to get rid of noncompliance; we develop the opposite behavior. That is, we develop compliance. The more you praise compliance, the sooner you will get rid of noncompliance.
How to deal with a child or 4-year old that doesn’t listen
[00:03:14] Okay. What to do if your child does not comply? Well, do not argue, nag, or fight. If you have to punish, take away a privilege for a very brief period of time and walk away. No long explanation is needed, nor will it help.
The emphasis has to be on praising compliance. Praising the behavior you want, instead of punishing the behavior you do not want, is effective with children, adolescents, spouses, and partners. The difference is in how the praise is given.
With children, the praise is effusive, specific, and with a touch. “That was great! You listened right away!” And you touch the child.
What to do when your teenager won’t listen
[00:03:50] With adolescents, praise is more private and quiet and specific. “You came home. You did your homework right away. Wonderful.”
With partners and spouses, well, be sweet, maybe cuddly. Be specific, and maybe a touch as well.
My child doesn’t listen at school
[00:04:06] In the schools, when teachers praise children for complying, that behavior develops at a very high rate. Not only that, when classmates see teachers praising others for compliance, their own compliance increases. That is, the benefits increased for children, who just observe the teacher praising positive behaviors. This has been shown in scores of studies, classrooms, and schools.
In summary, getting compliance from children is not really that difficult, except what we normally do is usually ineffective.
Some children comply easily. If your child does not, there is so much you can do.